Finding The Strength To go on

Prologue

Samantha Jones was sitting at her kitchen table and trying to figure out what to cook for dinner. Her husband Conrad has just gotten back home from a 12 month deployment in Iraq. He had joined the military shortly after he graduated high school. They were high school sweethearts and at first almost broke up but decided to just go off and get married so they could be together. Their family objected to their marriage, but couldn’t do much about it.

She was a 6’0” beauty that weighed 150lbs. She had auburn that went down the middle of her back. She had brown eyes and bronzed skin and was the head cheerleader her senior year and had curves in all the right places. Conrad was ‘65” tall and weighed 200 lbs. He had light brown wavy hair that was short. He had brown eyes and was very muscular. He was head quarter back of the football team.

He could of went to college on a scholarship but he became involved in drugs his senior year and had to quit the football team. She wanted to go to college but that changed when she discovered that she was pregnant her senior year. No one knew that she was even pregnant because she hid it from everyone including her family.

She got up and looked outside to where her husband was playing softball with their 12 year old sons. She gave birth 2 weeks after graduating and a week after her and Conrad gotten married. Their four year old daughter was in her room playing. She was worried about her husband because since he came back from Iraq he suffered P.T.S.D. She also suspected he was using drugs and alcohol as well. He started gambling when he was over sees and their savings was dwindling away and she knew that pretty soon he would have to put another mortgage on the house. She did research on PTSD and realized that unless he got help for it he would always be dealing with it. The counselor she talked to told her that he wouldn't talk about it unless he was ready to so she had to deal with him living with PTSD until then. She just had to have hope that she could deal with it and stay with him until then.

She could not approach him with it because every time he did it would always end up in a huge fight. So she just gave up talking to him about it. She decided on tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwiches, and chocolate ice cream for dessert because she was so exhausted both physically and mentally. She looked in the freezer to see if she had any chocolate ice cream. To her surprise she didn’t so she closed the freezer and walked to the back door. “Conrad can you and the children go to the store and get some ice cream?” she asked him. He and the twins stopped playing and looked at her. “Sure.” he said. So he and the boys stopped playing and headed inside.

She saw as he grabbed his gun and strap it on his hip. She hated that he had to carry a gun around but was afraid to stop him. She didn't understand why he had to carry the gun with him but she knew better than to ask him why because it would just make him angry and there is no telling what he would do. She tried not to make him angry because he would always yell and had even come close to hitting her. So she wasn't going to make him angry by addressing him with issues.

“ Maggie do you want to go to the store with daddy and your brothers?” she asked up the stairs. She heard Maggie running down the hall and she ran down the stairs. “ Yeah.” she said. So Conrad kissed her and he and the kids went to the store.

She had just finished the last cheese sandwich and was dishing up the soup when the kids came back in. “ Where’s your father?” she asked Ryan as he handed her the ice cream. “ He said he would be a few minutes.” Bryan said as he followed his brother and sister into the bathroom to wash their hands. They had just left the room when she heard gunshots coming from the garage. “ Stay here kids.” she said as she picked up her cell phone and headed into the garage. She saw her husband hunched over the steering wheel.

She walked over to the car and knelt down to see that he had a single shot gun to the chest. She then dialed 911 and talked to the operator until help arrived. She knew that there would be no use in sending paramedics cause her husband had just ended his own life. She then heard the sirens and must have collapsed because the next thing she knew she was in the back of the ambulance. “ I can’t go to the hospital I have to stay with my kids because I am all they have now.” she said. She started pulling at the oxygen mask and pulling off the IV. She was angry that her husband ended his life and leaving her to care for those kids.

The police looked for a suicide note but could not locate it. The kids were with a family member. “ Ma’am you have to keep this on.” the paramedics said as they tried to keep her from yanking stuff off. “ No I won’t just let me out of here.” she said as she tried to fight them. “ Ma’am you know this is not good for the baby.” one of them said. She really did not care because she just wanted her kids and was somehow hoping this whole nightmare was just that and when she woke up in the morning everything would be fine.

Chapter 1

Samantha was waiting for her kids to get off the bus. She had just put her newborn down for a nap. She had to be hospitalized for a few days after her husband killed himself because they feared that she would harm herself. She was let out the day of the funeral and they told her it was not a good thing for her if she went but she had to and almost had to be hospitalized again. She just gave birth to her daughter three weeks ago and was feeling depressed. She was scheduled for a check up tomorrow and was hoping the doctor could prescribe her something.

She was just trying to get their lives back together but since it had only been three and a half months it would take longer. She would have to find a job soon because the money in her savings was running out. She had received a shutoff notice for her electric bill and was on the verge of having her water shut off. The house had another mortgage put on it thanks to Conrad and she sold his car shortly after his funeral. Her kids were having trouble concentrating in school but knew that would pass in time.

They were having problems making friends but was hoping that would pass since the school year just started. Her kids just stayed to themselves and did not try to make friends. She would probably have to take them to a grief counselor to get help with that. She was thinking of selling her house cause the mortgage was so high on it that she could not afford the payments but knew that no one would by it in the condition it was in. She spotted her kids getting off the bus and sighed and tried to put on a happy face. “ Hey kids how was school?” she asked as her kids came in. The kids then threw their back packs on the couch. “ It was ok.” they said as went into the kitchen for a snack. She started to follow them when her cell phone rang so she picked it up and answered it.“ Hello mom.” she said when she answered it. She loved her mom and could talk to her about everything. “ Hello dear.” her mother said. Samantha then picked up her glass of flavored water and took a sip. “ How are you dear?” she asked.

Samantha then peeked into the kitchen to check on her kids. “ Not so good mom.” she said as she went out to the front porch to sit.

“ What’s wrong dear?” she asked. Samantha was silent for a moment.

“ I’m about to be without water and electric. The house needs a lot of repairs that I can’t afford. The mortgage is already at $ 2,000 a month and I can’t take out another one. I have to use Conrad’s pension to pay off his debt’s. I barely have money to pay all the bills and that is quickly going down.” she told her.

“ Oh dear I had no idea things are that bad.” her mother said to her.

She did not want to cry but knew that she was going to.

“ Well they are and I don’t know what I am going to do.” she told her. She knew she would have to find a job soon though because time was running out.

“ You could always come live with your father and I.” she said.

“ Thanks for the offer but no I don’t want to do that I am just going to find a job.” she said to her mom.

“ So soon after having your baby?’ her mother asked.

“ Yes I don’t have a choice.” she told her.

“ You could get food stamps and government aide.” her mom said.

“ I don’t want any help because I don’t want people thinking I can’t take care of my kids.” she said to her.

Her mom did not understand where her daughter got her stubbornness from.

“ No one will think that.” she told her.

“ I won’t get help with anything other than getting food stamps.” she said.  She noticed her kids were coming out side.

“ Mom I need to go I don’t want the kids knowing anything.” she said so the two women hung up just as her kids were coming out and she dried her eyes.

“ Hey kids.” she said as they came over to her.

“ Hey mom we just came out to ask if we can go to the park before dinner.” they asked her. She normally would have made them do their homework but tonight she did not feel like rushing them.

“ Sure but be back by five thirty and after supper you will be doing homework.” she told them. So her kids left and headed to the park.

She went back inside to decide what to cook for supper. She knew her food selection was dwindling because she had not had a chance to buy groceries and her money was running low so she had to try to get more for her buck. She looked and finally decided on fish sticks and Mac and cheese. She knew tomorrow she would have to see about food stamps and also see about getting a job after her doctor’s appointment.

She started cooking and had it ready by the time her kids got back from the park. Her kids headed into the bathroom and washed their hands. “ Kids sit down and eat so you can do your homework.” she said. So her kids set down and ate. She didn’t really like what her kids was eating so she settled on a banana and a glass of water. The baby woke up then so she went to go take care of her.

She then went back downstairs and checked on her kids. She then grabbed her phone, water, and banana and went outside.

She never liked worrying in front of her kids because they were too young to worry. They knew of the suicide but did not understand why their daddy did it. She still loved him and cried herself to sleep every night cause she missed him so much. She then picked up her cell phone and dialed Conrad’s parents since she still had a good relationship with them and she was glad for that. She dialed the number and waited for one of them to answer.

“ Hello.” Mrs. Jones said as soon as she answered.

“ Hey it is me Sam.” she said as she took a drink of her water.

“ Hey Sam. How are you?” she asked her.

“ Not good Cyndi.” she said as she finished her banana. His parents knew what kind of situation she was in.

“I take it things are worse than they was the last time we talked.” she said.

“ Yes a lot worse. If I don’t come up with at least $ 450.00 to pay the past due balance on my electric bill by next week it will be shut off. My water is the same way.” she said. She willed herself to remain strong and not break down and cry.

“ Ah I am so sorry to hear that.” she said to her. Samantha knew that they would help her if she asked but she wasn’t going too.

“ Thanks it was choosing between paying the electric or getting groceries and I opted for getting groceries.” she said.

They knew of their sons illness and the things he was doing and tried to talk him into getting help but he refused.

“ Sorry dear and I know it is a very stressful time but you must not let yourself get too stressed cause you do have kids to think about.” she told her. Samantha knew that she was right but found it hard not to stress.

“ I am going to apply for food stamps tomorrow morning before my doctors appointment.” she said. She did not want to but she had too.

“ Good that should help you out a great deal.” she said.

She then looked on at her kids to see that they were still eating.

“ Yes it will and I am going to look for a job as well.” she said to her. She did not want to go back so soon but she did not have a choice on that either.

“ You only had your daughter three and a half weeks ago.” Cyndi said to her.

“ I know but my money is shrinking fast and the money from his pension is almost gone.” she said to her.

Samantha then noticed her kids get up from the table.

“ I hate to do this but I better get off of here to help my kids with their homework.” she said as she was fighting back tears.

“ Ok dear take care of yourself and I will talk to you soon.” she said. So the two women hung up and she got up and went inside. She was going to go talk to the owner of the small diner that was located on the corner of the square since she knew him and he had offered her a job there witnessing. All the customers were friendly and all the staff knew each other by name.

“ Ok boys time to do your homework.” she told them. Of course the boys groaned but got their homework out and did it. Since Maggie was in kindergarten she did not have any homework so she went up stairs to play before bed. The boys quickly did their homework and she sent them off to get ready for bed. As soon as she got the kids taken care off she was going to call it a night as well.

Chapter 2

The next morning she woke up after a restless night sleep. She could usually go to sleep after drinking some hot tea with cinnamon in it but this time it did not help because she still tossed and turned. She put her robe on and went to wake her kids and to check on her newborn before she went downstairs to fix her a cup of coffee. She then got the cereal down for her kids and got bowls out. Her kids would not eat the same kind of cereal as each other which irritated her because cereal was expensive to begin with. She had just fixed her up of coffee when her kids came downstairs.

“ Morning kids. Eat your breakfast and hurry up and get ready.” she told them as she left the room to go back up stairs to get ready to go. She then fixed her a cup of coffee as her daughter came downstairs. She fixed her daughter a bowl of cereal and set it down in front of her.

“ Hurry up and eat Maggie so I can fix your hair.” she told her as she took a yogurt out of the fridge. She always laid Maggie's clothes out for her the night before since she was still too young at picking out clothes that matched but she could dress herself.

Daisy woke up just as she was finishing her first cup of coffee and yogurt so she got up to go tend to her. Just as soon as she laid her sleeping daughter down she hear her two boys come back up stairs and brush their teeth. So she went to make sure they were finishing getting ready before she went back downstairs to check on her daughter. Since they got free lunches at school she didn't have to worry about making their lunches. They grabbed their backpacks and headed to the front door.

“ Bye guys have a good day at school.” she said as she kissed each one and watched as they headed out to the bus. Maggie got done eating then and she headed upstairs.

“ Brush your teeth and finish getting ready then I will go up there and fix your hair.” she told her as she cleared the breakfast dishes away and cleaned the kitchen. She only ran the dishwasher once a day and it was usually after supper. Maggie was in kindergarten and took a different bus other than the boys. She put her daughters hair in pigtails and handed her her backpack. “ Have a good day at school.” she said as she kissed her.

She looked out the window and made sure she got on the bus before she went to take a shower and get ready to go. She called her best friend up to see if she could babysit today since Daisy didn't have an appointment and she didn't want to take her out. She and Jessie had been best friends since she and Conrad moved here and Jessie had been the first person that she met. Her husband was currently overseas.

Hello.” Jessie said when she answered.

“ Hey Jess it's me Sam.” she said to her.

“ Hey. What's up?” she asked her.

“ Well I was wondering if you can watch Daisy for me this morning. I have a doctor's appointment and then some errands to do and really don't want to take her with me.” she told her.

“ Sure I can. I will be right over.” she told her.

“ Thanks.” she said and the two hung up.

She was glad that Jessie didn't mind watching Daisy for free because she couldn't afford to pay. Jessie loved kids and wanted kids but she and her husband could not get pregnant. Jessie told her that she would watch her kids for free because some day she would need her to watch her kids in return. The doorbell rang and she went to answer the door before it woke her daughter up.

“ Hey come in.” she said as she opened the door and moved to the side so Jessie could enter. Samantha than shut the door behind her and went to get her stuff.

“ I should be back around noon sometime. There are four bottles of breast milk in the fridge and she gets fed every two hours. You have my number in case you need it.” she said as she headed to the garage. She got into her car and stuck the key in. She than cranked it and it wouldn't start. She tried again but no luck. She then grabbed her stuff and got back out. She was hoping that all it needed was a jump or a new battery because she couldn't afford a new car or car repairs at this point and she sold Conrad's truck shortly after the funeral to cut down the insurance payments.

“ What's wrong?” Jessie asked as she came back in and seen that her friend was distraught.

“ Car won't start and I really need to go.” she said to her friend.

“ Here take my car.” she said and tossed her keys to her. She took the keys and gave her friend a quick hug and headed to the front door.

“ Thanks I will put gas back in it.” she said as she opened the front door and left. Jessie was trying to tell her friend not to worry about it but she was already out the door before she could respond.

She reached the doctor's office and pulled in. She was lucky to find one close to the front as well so she parked, grabbed her stuff and got out. She waled up to the receptionists desk. “ Samantha Jones and I have a nine thirty appointment.” she said. The receptionist signed her in and Sam took a seat. She picked up a magazine and leafed through it. She was halfway through an article when her name was called. She put the magazine down and picked up her things. She followed the nurse back to an examining room and the nurse took her vitals and wrote them down in her chart.

The nurse told her to get undressed and the doctor would be there with her shortly. She quickly got undressed and put on the gown. She then set back on the table to wait for the doctor. The doctor came in a few minutes later and began his exam. “ You are doing great Sam.” he told her as he wrote down in her chart. “ Doc can I get released to go back to work?” she asked him.

“ I don't see why not but usually a new mom waits at least six weeks.” he told her.

“ I know but I really can't afford to stay home any longer.” she told him. Her doctor was a friend to her and knew about the situation that she was going through. He then took his glasses off and leaned back in his chair. “ It is that bad huh?” he asked her

“ Yes it is and even though I get a check from the Army every month it goes straight towards his gambling debts, the mortgage, and the bills.” she told him as she fought back the tears.

“ Sorry to hear that.” he said to her.

“ Thanks I have asked for more money from them but they haven't even responded.” she told him.

The doctor than set up in his chair and wrote her a note to release her to go back to work. He handed it to her and she stuck it in her purse. “ Thanks doc.” she said as she got up to get dressed and the doctor left. She then grabbed her things and left the doctors office. She spent the next two hours running around and doing errands. The last place she went was to talk to the owner of the small restaurant to see if his offer for a job was still available. She found a parking place and pulled in. She grabbed her keys and got out.

“ Is Pete here?” she asked as she walked up to the front. Pete was a friend of hers and was a big support through all of this. “ Yes I will get him.” the girl behind the counter said as she disappeared in the back. She ate here with her kids a lot. “ Yes.” he said as he came out and spotted her sitting there. She didn't know if he remembered her or not. “ Peter it's me Sam.” she said to him.

“ Hey Sam what's up?” he asked her as he suddenly remembered her.

“ Well I was wondering if that job offer still was available?” she asked him.

“ Sure if you want it.” he said.

“ Yes I do.” she told him.

“ Ok come in tomorrow morning at ten for an interview and to fill out the paperwork.” he told her.

So she grabbed her keys and got up.

“ Thanks and I will see you at ten.” she said and left.

She drove home with a smile on her face,because she knew things were going to work out.